The Hidden Language of “Should”
“Should is a futile word. It's about what didn't happen. It belongs in a parallel universe. It belongs in another dimension of space.”
― Margaret Atwood, The Blind Assassin
What are we saying when we use the word “should”?
A whole lot...and nothing at all.
That’s because “should” is a proxy for a whole lot of meaning, nuance, and assumptions while the word itself conveys scarcely any information.
The main trouble with using “should” is that it delegates a choice to a rule or judgement that we’re unconscious of and that is usually disempowering.
I was recently tasked by my mastermind group to examine the “should”’s in my life; to observe where in my life I was acting from “should” or unconscious judgement rather than choosing mindfully.
One of the first things I noticed is there are two types of “should” to distinguish.
Practical “Should”ing
The first is he neutral and practical “should” around something that’s a good decision or plan of action in the moment, like:
I should leave now
I should eat soon
I should check my email
These are all in the realm of, “There’s a really good reason to do this right now.”
For example, if you are leaving for the movies, “We should leave now” could mean “It would be best to leave now so that we’ll have time to get snacks and be in our seats before the movie starts.”
Nothing disempowering here. It’s simply practical and, hopefully, the other person understands the assumption underneath in the statement. Not always a great assumption, but that’s a discussion for another time.
The “should” making trouble
The more insidious and disempowering kind of “should” is the one that implies that I’m not enough. It’s the kind of “should” that generates feelings of guilt, shame, and low self-esteem.
| Statement | Assumption |
| I should be (more) X | I'm not (enough) X |
| I should be doing X | I'm not doing/(able to do) X |
| I should be doing more X | I'm not doing enough X |
General consensus behind these “shoulds” is: I am not enough.
“I am not enough” is always a lie.
“Should” is about rule-following and compliance and when it comes to that, every culture and every family is different.
If you come from a culture with tight adherence to rules and cultural norms, you are going to do a lot more “should”ing and consequently worrying about following rules than you would if you come from a “loose” culture of rule following.
The point is, all our “should”ing comes from outside: from something or someone that has influenced us to believe that way. This is our cultural and/or family context and it’s what decides for us. As we say in Ontological Coaching, this “context is decisive”: it makes the choice for you, automatically.
“Should” removes choice. Once you’ve said “should”, the decision is made - there’s no more choice – and any other possibility is shut out.
It’s a completely disempowering way to choose our actions. Instead of coming from a designed or powerfully created vision for our future, it is based on the past and what others have decided about how we should live.
How, then, do we create that space in our language where we are allowing choice to arise from our essence and our designed future?
How do we counteract this tendency to make ourselves wrong for everything?
In my experience, the first step is always awareness. We have to get really clear and aware how we’re using “should” in our language. Only then can start to shift how we think about and use the word in our lives.
A Plan for Undoing Your “Should”s
Here’s a plan for getting started eliminating “should” from your life and empowering all your decision-making:
Start by simply noticing where you’re using “should” - at first, this is just noticing and acknowledging it.
Next, start dropping “should” from your speech and start substituting the actual reason behind the “should”.
Here we are identifying the real underlying reasons and to stating those clearly (like in the movie example above). What is the assumption underlying that “should”? How can you explain it?
At this point it should be obvious to you whether or not this is an empowering reason or assumption which comes from choice and from creating possibility or if this is a disempowering judgement or default to the norms of your cultural identity.
Now start generating new language that is empowering and supports decisions based on future goals. This takes practice. Be patient with yourself.
One way to do this: for every “should”, state clearly to yourself, “I can do whatever I want” and ask “What do I choose for myself in this moment?” Even if you do the same as you would have before, the reason is clear and you are now acting from authenticity and deciding from a powerful place instead of from unexposed judgements.
What part of this will you start taking on right now?
I encourage you to create a specific action you will take today to start revealing the patterns of your language around “should”.
Photo by Andy Beales on Unsplash
