Have you ever noticed how no matter how old you get, no matter how much growth and transformation you’ve experienced, when you spend time with your family you regress back into that familiar family dynamic you lived out as a child?
Every family has their own particular set of unspoken rules and dynamics. Each family member takes on specific roles (oftentimes unbeknownst to themselves) in order to maintain functionality and perceived “order” within the family.
But even when a family member attempts to break this status quo, to become more than the role they were socialized into identifying with, they always end up being pulled right back into their old identity and behaviors.
Why is this?
Why is it that when we challenge the family story or dynamic we so often get criticized, ostracized, or even rejected by our families?
Many people do not like change. Change has the tendency to shove us outside of our beloved comfort zone. Removing that illusion of safety that was consequently keeping us from taking on new opportunities or striving for positive growth.
Change, in and of itself, is the essence of life.
Yet still somehow, this is really hard for us humans to grapple with.
Classic Family Roles and Stories
Take a moment to pause and ponder what kind of role(s) you might be carrying out in your own family.
Do any of these hit home for you?
The Golden Child/Hero
Can do no wrong (usually in the eyes of parents and other adult family members). The poster child and example for how great the family is. The person all other family members so often get compared to. The responsible one, the high achiever, the pride of the family.
Scapegoat, Black Sheep
The family member who is known to cause trouble or shake up both the spoken and unspoken rules of the family. Not fulfilling the family “standard”, the problem child.
Lost, Solemn, Quiet Child
The one who never got the attention they truly needed. The left out and “forgotten” one. Had to learn to care for themselves, independent.
Peacemaker, Mediator
The person who maintains (or endlessly attempts to maintain) harmony in the family. Both avoiding conflict or taking on the responsibility of resolving conflict between family members. The peacekeeper.
For a more complete list, see here.
These roles are often referred to as “dysfunctional” family roles. But the way these roles manifest in individuals and influence the overall family dynamic varies from person to person and family to family. These dynamics within familial relationships are not limited just to “broken families”. The structure and integrity of these roles are found carried out time and time again.
Writing Our Own Stories
The first and most important thing you can do to break free from your role is to get clear on the family roles you are embodying and interacting with in your own personal life. Do not just consider the role(s) you identify with.
How do your siblings fall into these roles? Your parents? Your partner? Maybe even your own kids.
These are not always exact matches, but the essence of these characteristics show up in many different aspects of people's lives.
Once you’ve identified the family roles, it’s important to then continue to challenge yourself to acknowledge and identify the full extent to which this dynamic plays out in your life.
Take the time to truly and intentionally ask yourself these questions, and then jot down any answers that come to mind:
Is this a role I’m willing to play in my family?
How does this role limit what’s possible for me when interacting and spending time with my family?
How would stepping out of the role allow me to realize who I want to be outside my family? (How does playing this role in the family limit me outside the family, if at all?)
Is there a way I can manage setting these boundaries with my family without alienating them?
You Don’t Have to Play Your Role
The most important thing you can do for yourself when striving to become more than the person you were conditioned to be in your adolescence is maintain agency over your own character.
What do I mean by this?
Well, quite simply, I am asking you to continue to challenge yourself to grow and expand as a person even when met with aversion or adversity. To realize how only through embodying the most authentic forms of yourself, will you be able to in turn do the most good you can for the people you love.
Drop the desire to change your family, and focus on yourself. The roles others play do not have to determine your own ability to function in this world. You have the power to simply stop identifying with this role, to remind yourself time and time again of the transformed sense of self you have been working so hard to embody. This often involves setting boundaries with your family. As well as taking the time to come back to yourself when you feel as though you have strayed from your truth.
Similarly, do not fight against your family’s attempt to keep you locked into your old role. As stated prior, people do not like change– especially when they are feeling directly challenged.
Constellation therapy is another great way to help you work through this. Family constellation therapy is a holistic and encompassing type of therapy that involves being able to act out your roles with your therapist in order to gain a more encompassing understanding of the relationship dynamics within your family. Through this you are able to see just how the roles you play are affecting your ability to live your life authentically and to your fullest potential.
You Are More Than Your Role
You don’t have to play the role your family created for you…
And just knowing this, is already the biggest step you can take toward becoming more than these “learned” identities and behaviors you took on.
You have the power to consciously work toward your best sense of self even when it feels like the people around you, the people who should be there supporting you, are unable to support or understand you.
The ways in which we are able to positively influence those around us are exemplified by our ability to embody our most authentic selves. By living out the most authentic version of yourself, you will cause a ripple effect on those around you, even inspiring them to become more than they thought they were.
Are you interested in being more than the roles you were conditioned to carry out? Do you want to be able to spend quality time with your family without feeling like you’ve regressed into a person you no longer need nor want to be?
Let’s get on a call and make this happen. We can identify what roles you've been playing forever, and how you can start to embody the best parts of yourself, today.