One of the most powerful distinctions I’ve shared with my community this year is the DO-HAVE-BE versus BE-DO-HAVE models for life. What at first glance comes across as a simple grouping of one-syllable verbs, is actually an extremely transformative concept; one that can change everything for you, given you take the time to incorporate this teaching.
This notion is quite literally the difference between how most people operate and how very effective, powerful, and joyful people operate.
How Most People Seek Out “Success”
The way most people go about their lives looks like a lot of doing things that other people and society impose on them without a lot of thought about who they ultimately want to become or what they’d like their life to look like in the long term. That kind of vision is generally missing and isn’t something we’re normally taught to do.
In this model, there’s a certain set of things you’re supposed to DO in order to HAVE the things you want, which only then allows you to become the person you dream of BEing.
Let’s refer to this as the DO-HAVE-BE model.
DO: If I do all the things I’m taught to do or supposed to do, e.g., school and education, work and career, marriage, kids, family, service, contribution, etc…
HAVE: …then I’ll be able to get all the things that I want to have, e.g., material possessions…
BE: …which will allow me to finally arrive at the person I want to BE…
This gets a bit tricky for many reasons, and the main one is that BE-ing is an afterthought. There are so many dependencies between the start and end of this journey that who you eventually become is impossible to predict.
We live in a society that not only values but stresses, the concept of DO-ing in order to achieve. So it’s no surprise that in the default model for success, DO-ing is what comes first.
We only know what to DO because culture and society tell us what is expected. We are taught growing up all the things that we must DO to become successful, participating members of society. We’re told that this is what will allow us to HAVE all the things we desire
That’s all from the outside. No internal exploration or value-setting is required to get started.
There’s a place for all these things, but it’s a very roundabout way of becoming the person you really want to be.
Because there's always more to DO. Even if we work toward a big deadline like publishing an article, holding a workshop or retreat, or reaching a financial goal, there's always going to be more after we’re done. Finishing is an illusion.
And when your end goal is purely based on what you HAVE, you’ll never find real, long-lasting satisfaction, joy, and happiness.
Because there’s always something more your need to HAVE.
The BE-DO-HAVE Model
I’m an Ontological Coach which means my coaching focuses on BE-ing first; who you’re being in every moment, situation, and in life in general. When I’m coaching my clients and working with my community, the distinction between the DO-HAVE-BE and the more effective BE-DO-HAVE models is a great, simple way to explain ontological philosophy.
I like to break it down like this:
BE: Start with a clear vision of who you want to BE and what you want your life to look like. It’s starting with the end in mind and embodying the essence of the person you want to become. It’s about clarifying your vision, mission, and values.
DO: Actions toward this desired future become obvious because they flow up and out of a grounded place of BE-ing. You’ve set the foundation, you’re embodying the person you want to be, and actions come naturally from this place.
HAVE: This allows you to have the things you actually want as you are already BE-ing the person you want to be and not what society or anyone else has told you to want or need.
Working hard toward a vision, setting goals, holding yourself accountable to those goals, and developing good habits are all important. The challenge here is to generate your vision and goals from a place of BE-ing and not from a place of more DO-ing.
This sets you up for real success because it gives you a foundation of personal inner truth to rely on; a truth born from the fact that you are already embodying the person you want to be.
You will not only find that action, the DO-ing, comes both naturally and obviously, but also that you can move through life more spontaneously. You can flow, rather than climb. You are calm and trusting in the process as goals become more apparent and more easily attainable. You are in a constant state of BEing the person you wish to be rather than scrambling to DO what you can to get there.
None of this means that you can’t change your vision and mission for your life and who you are BE-ing at any time. In fact, you should review this periodically. It simply means that you get to start from a grounded place that provides more direction, power, and depth which leads to more overall satisfaction, happiness, and joy in your life.
Does this seem simple? How to start from BE-ing can be a challenging concept to implement. It’s the opposite of what we’re taught and different from what we’re used to.
Take your time with this new concept and feel free to reach out to me if you’d like to learn more or would like support in shifting your paradigm.
Let’s Get to A State of BE-ing, Together
If you’re interested in becoming the best version of yourself and working with other like-minded people to get there, check out my Vision 2023 workshops starting in December.
Here we will get present with ourselves, completing 2022 and moving forward into 2023. You will learn exactly how to define and develop your goals in a way that makes them achievable.
"The workshop was a fun and powerful experience that helped me to get complete in a number of areas and to move into the new year with clearer purpose. A year later I am still reaping the benefits from the goals I set during the workshop including, giving up smoking, committing to more time with the people I love, and creating a better work life balance. I would recommend the session to all."
- Govinda Clayton