You’ve probably heard the expression, “Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference”.
The line is credited to Lutheran theologian Reinhold Niebuhr (1892-1971), yet you’ll likely find it referenced on a hand towel in your neighbor’s guest bathroom, or on a magnet hanging on your Aunt’s fridge.
This expression may or may not resonate with you immediately and it may take time to fully embody this philosophy, but when you do, you’ll find the benefits to be astounding.
How do we distinguish between those things we’re able to change and those we’re not?
The Circle of Concern vs The Circle of Influence
Let me introduce you to a concept I discovered in Steven Covey’s “7 Habits of Highly Effective People” that I’ve always found useful. You can think of the “things I cannot change” as being part of your Circle of Concern and the “things I have the power to change” as being part of your Circle of Influence.
Circle of Concern:
All the things that you have no influence or control over. Focusing on failure, blame, making excuses, and being the victim to life’s circumstances.
The person that doesn’t know how to take responsibility spends a lot of time in their Circle of Concern. They like to blame things that are outside of their control for the results they’re seeing (or not seeing) in their life. With this mentality, you’re giving your power away to something outside of yourself and allowing something to control you rather than you, yourself, being in control.
Spending too much time within this circle or headspace leads to increased stress, overwhelm, feeling stuck, and doubting your capabilities.
It is inherently disempowering.
Circle of Influence:
All the things with which you have direct or indirect influence or control. Focusing on your skills, tuning into what it is you are being called to do/change/create/start.
When we take responsibility for ourselves and our results, we spend most of our time and energy here and not in places where that influence does not exist. By being proactive and responsible, you’re able to increase both the capacity of your Circle of Influence, as well as the quality.
This takes a combination of time, care, and relationship building. Covey classifies Habit 1 as Being Proactive, which teaches us about being able to interrupt our normal reactions in order to choose what action to take in the face of a particular stimulus (i.e. external influence). Thus, allowing you to have real control over your own behavior and outcomes, rather than being reactive and victim to circumstance.
According to Covey, “It’s the nature of reactive people to absolve themselves of responsibility.”
So how do we become less reactive?
Knowing the Difference
When working through this concept with my clients, I like to break it down as such:
Direct control: regarding our own behavior
Indirect control: regarding other people’s behavior - our relationship with others
No control: “change the line at the bottom of your face” (i.e., smile)
Reactive Focus - Negative Energy Reduces the Circle of Influence
Proactive Focus - Positive Energy Enlarges the Circle of Influence
Covey acknowledges how, “Anytime we think the problem is ‘out there,’ that thought is the problem. We empower what’s ‘out there’ to control us."
When working with my clients, the first step I have people take is to begin to ponder where they are spending their time and energy…
Are you living from a place of victimhood, worry, and concern? Are you giving away your power?
Or,
Are you acutely aware of your limitless ability to respond to external stimuli? Are you able to flow when life begins to ebb?
You can read more about these kinds of distinctions in my article Worrier - Warrior from earlier this year.
How to Spend More Time in the Circle of Influence
Spending time in your Circle of Influence:
Take responsibility for the results you’re getting and be proactive about improving them if needed.
Avoid ruminating on failure, blame, and shame – this is merely victimization, and will not serve you to get the outcomes you’re looking for.
Spend more energy and time on developing the quality of your relationships with others, while also being mindful of people who are pulling you into the Circle of Concern.
Start BE-ing the way you would like others to BE! See my last blog post for details.
Be proactive– meaning non-reactive, empowering yourself to choose your reaction to any given stimulus.
All these distinctions when engaged with regularly have the capacity to move you more and more out of your Circle of Concern.
“The proactive approach is to change from the inside-out: to be different, and by being different, to effect positive change in what’s out there—I can be more resourceful, I can be more diligent, I can be more creative, I can be more cooperative.” -Steven Covey, The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People
If you’re looking to expand your Circle of Influence, step into your power, and begin to enact real, effective change in your life, feel free to reach out and we can discuss these concepts in further detail.
While we all have the tendency to be reactive, all it takes is making a conscious effort to change your mindset, as well as a bit of accountability, to become a “highly effective person”.